Archive for January, 2010

Love makes the world go round <3

The purpose of life is a life of purpose.

-I have a confession to make and it is a hard one for me to admit. I have trouble with my weight. The past couple months I sort of lost my way and thought if I ate a little bit more, just a little bit of something it wouldn’t count. But eventually those little bits began to add up. I stepped on the scale for the first time in a long time and it wasn’t pretty. I don’t know if I will ever tell you how much I actually weigh (because it’s a little embarrassing for me) but I want to share with you my journey because it is one that has taught me and will continue to teach me a lot about myself.

-For some reason, for as long as I can remember, I associated weight and being skinny with being beautiful. I naturally have a bigger body structure then maybe your average girl, but have always compared myself and wanted to be different. I recently started to accept myself for who I am and have begun to feel more comfortable in my own skin. It just clicked for me that true beauty comes from within, that confidence is beautiful and every person’s personality and body is unique and beautiful in it’s own way.

-Here’s the hardest part: I love food. I love eating. Eating gives me that instant gratification and feeling of comfort. It is the easiest thing to do and it makes me feel good…or at least for a little while. When the numbers started going up I stopped stepping on the scale and started ignoring that there was a problem because it made me feel shitty to know that I was getting “fatter.” I knew how hard it would be to lose those pounds and thought if I didn’t acknowledge it I could avoid it. The thing is I am an athlete who wants to be at the top in her sport and I need to be honest with myself so that I can physically prepare to perform at my best. Also more than being just an athlete, I am a surfer. That means I have to perform in front of people, sometimes thousands of people, in a bathing suit. Feeling good and looking good in a bathing suit is another reason that I want to and need to take care of my body.

-I hate scales. I have had nightmares about scales and stepping on scales. I think this is because I have failed so many times trying to lose and/or maintain my weight that I am afraid of failing again. The scale tells the truth and I don’t want to accept the fact that I need to change and do things differently. I feel vulnerable and weak and I don’t like that. Although the truth can be harsh you need it because that’s how you better yourself. I have had several bad experiences with my weight in the past that still haunt me. Two years ago I started gaining weight and was doing the exact same thing, ignoring it and hoping that no one would notice. My father was the first to say something. It was hard to have the one man in my life who is suppose to always think I’m beautiful no matter what say, “Riss have you stepped on the scale lately?” Of course my dad says those things because he wants the best for me but I have gotten in the tendency of only hearing the negative and that he is dissatisfied. I tried working with a personal trainer which turned out to be a damaging experience as well. I never reached my ultimate goal and I considered myself a failure and became really frustrated. I was given this really horrible, not fun diet of strict protein water, salad, plain oatmeal, and lean meat. It lasted for about a day and a half before I indulged in a tub of frozen yogurt. I was also told to do cardio for at least 40 minutes everyday and I hate hate hate cardio.

-I look back on it now and my approach was all wrong. Instead of looking at loosing weight as a positive challenge and telling myself that I could do it and looked forward to feeling amazing when I reached my goal I struggled at the threshold. I was stuck feeling ugly and upset with myself, intimidated by the long road ahead, and focusing on the sacrifice, hard work and hungry nights that were to be endured before reaching my final destination. I have to stop thinking about it so much. I can’t be afraid of the process but I have to embrace it. I have to be willing to take risks and be vulnerable. So here I go again and I feel like I am finally ready to grab this bull by the horns and lead the charge. I contacted a nutritionist and I am really excited. We are planning to meet sometime next week and I promise to let you know how it goes.

-I want to end with this food for thought (pun intended). It is OK to have those moments when you don’t feel beautiful, to cry and feel sorry for yourself. But most importantly you have to pick yourself up and keep going because that’s what makes you stronger.

Confidence is beautiful

Everything seems blurred at the moment. So many things are going on in my life that my thoughts are all meshing together into a frustrating cloud that won’t disappear. It is a month till I have to jump on a plane to the Gold Coast of Australia where I will be surfing in my first event as a full time professional and vying for a world title. I have been trying to buckle down and work hard. I deactivated my facebook so that I can focus my energy on better things like homework, family, chores, nutrition, fitness and just surfing in general. Honestly it is quite scary and intimidating and overwhelming at the moment. It is hard to be on it and motivated and positive all the time. I get tired. I love what I do and that’s why I cry and get pissed. I push thru because I have a passion and goals that I want to achieve. I started talking to Trevor Hendy, a friend of my dads. They met awhile back when they were both doing Ironman races. Trevor is now a motivational speaker and is helping me sort my thoughts and clear my mind so that when it comes time to compete I feel free and have no distractions. I had an hour session with him the other day and was able to open myself up and talk about things that I didn’t know were bothering me. From family life to friends to my weight to boys and feeling beautiful, we talked about it all and were able to release the negativity that I have been holding inside all this time. Things have started to build up again for some reason and I am just having trouble pinpointing what it is that is bothering me. My dad brought up a good point on the car ride to school this morning: “Maybe your afraid of the process.” And I think maybe he is right. The more I think about what he said the more it makes sense to me. I am venturing into a world of unknown. I am putting everything I have into something that is not definite. I might lose, I might fail, and failure for me is scary. I am talking openly and honestly about my feelings and what is going on in my life and that is something that I want to do more of this year. Until now I have talked about surface things by highlighting only the positives that take place, afraid of what other people may think if they actually read what I think about and feel. I have barely acknowledged the tears and frustration that is apart of the process I am going thru. It doesn’t happen everyday but is an important part of me. I hope that sharing my experieces and my true feelings might inspire someone or comfort someone who is feeling alone. So from now on this is me, all of me.