Everything seems blurred at the moment. So many things are going on in my life that my thoughts are all meshing together into a frustrating cloud that won’t disappear. It is a month till I have to jump on a plane to the Gold Coast of Australia where I will be surfing in my first event as a full time professional and vying for a world title. I have been trying to buckle down and work hard. I deactivated my facebook so that I can focus my energy on better things like homework, family, chores, nutrition, fitness and just surfing in general. Honestly it is quite scary and intimidating and overwhelming at the moment. It is hard to be on it and motivated and positive all the time. I get tired. I love what I do and that’s why I cry and get pissed. I push thru because I have a passion and goals that I want to achieve. I started talking to Trevor Hendy, a friend of my dads. They met awhile back when they were both doing Ironman races. Trevor is now a motivational speaker and is helping me sort my thoughts and clear my mind so that when it comes time to compete I feel free and have no distractions. I had an hour session with him the other day and was able to open myself up and talk about things that I didn’t know were bothering me. From family life to friends to my weight to boys and feeling beautiful, we talked about it all and were able to release the negativity that I have been holding inside all this time. Things have started to build up again for some reason and I am just having trouble pinpointing what it is that is bothering me. My dad brought up a good point on the
car ride to school this morning: “Maybe your afraid of the process.” And I think maybe he is right. The more I think about what he said the more it makes sense to me. I am venturing into a world of unknown. I am putting everything I have into something that is not definite. I might lose, I might fail, and failure for me is scary. I am talking openly and honestly about my feelings and what is going on in my life and that is something that I want to do more of this year. Until now I have talked about surface things by highlighting only the positives that take place, afraid of what other people may think if they actually read what I think about and feel. I have barely acknowledged the tears and frustration that is apart of the process I am going thru. It doesn’t happen everyday but is an important part of me. I hope that sharing my experieces and my true feelings might inspire someone or comfort someone who is feeling alone. So from now on this is me, all of me.